Living in Las Vegas has its highs and lows, which is true for any city, except here the highs are towering highs and the lows are crippling lows. There's no better example of this prodigious swing than the Las Vegas Bachelor Party. Since I moved to Las Vegas I've been a part of roughly 3,000 bachelor parties (and quite a few bachelorette parties as well, but that's a story for another time). In my experience there are definitely some fastened rules you must abide by to have a successful bachelor party. I, because I'm such a nice guy, will impart my wisdom with you now.
The Las Vegas Guide to Bachelor Parties
Part 1: Assembling Your Crew
You want a wide array of characters in your crew to idealize the good times. First, here's whom you want to bring...
The 'I'll Talk to Anyone' Guy
This guy is essential. He talks to anyone because he's fearless. This guy can get you into trouble, but most of the time it's the kind of trouble you are looking for. Needless to say, he helps with finding groups of women to hang out with; a skill that is paramount for any party, especially a bachelor party. Also, not just the ladies, but striking up conversation with the right gentleman in this town could lead your party into an unexpected adventure. The 'I'll Talk to Anyone Guy' keeps possibilities endless for your crew. He's a must have.
The 'Absolutely Getting Lost' Guy
I know this guy seems like a hassle and someone to worry about when you shouldn't be worrying about anything, but this guy serves a very important purpose. During the hung over mornings in the hotel room he will stumble in, most likely missing a shoe, with a tale of wonderment and tragedy that will make you laugh so hard your hangover disappears and this will lead to the morning's first drink. He's the catalyst for the day two party. And if your 'Absolutely Getting Lost' guy is particularly adept at his job, he'll get lost again and you won't see him until you board the plane. Hopefully.
The 'I'm Here to Gamble' Guy
This guy can go one of two ways, but either path is entertaining to watch. If he wins big, he'll be upgrading the party at every turn. If he loses big, well, watching a desperate man mortgage his children's college fund is something you have to see to appreciate. At some point your whole crew needs to join this man. You must take over a black jack table or a craps table. Gambling with a large group of your friends is the only non-sad way to gamble. And with both black jack and craps you pretty much win and lose as a team. It's an essential part of the weekend.
The 'Let's Go to The Strip Club' Guy
This guy will know when he's needed. He'll know when the time is right. He'll know. He'll know.
And now the guys you want to avoid bringing to Vegas...
The 'Let's Get in a Fight' Guy
This guy is the worst and unfortunately he's everywhere. If at all possible, don't bring this guy to Vegas. He will put you in situations you don't want to be in and ruin what would otherwise be a great time. No one wants to have to tell this guy throughout the weekend, 'No, that guy in the Affliction shirt wasn't looking at you funny' or 'I know that guy stepped on your Puma, just let it go.' The last place you want to end up is in a Clark County jail cell downtown. It's not a pleasant place to be and it will take 24 hrs to get out. Try to avoid it at all costs.
The 'Brother of the Bride' Guy
I understand that sometimes this is unavoidable. More times than not, you have to scale back your party because of this guy. And the groom will never be totally comfortable with the debauchery with this guy around. Try to avoid it. Plan the weekend around a time you know he's unavailable. If the bride has shoved him down your throat, well, do what you can to keep him busy, drunk, and not on spy mode. If the bride's father has tagged along as well, then you're screwed. No fun for you.
The 'I'm Broke' Guy
I know times are tough, but if you come to Vegas for a bachelor party you need to know it's a costly venture. You don't need to be the 'Money is No Object' guy, but a bachelor party in Las Vegas is going to cost a few shekels, so plan accordingly. If you overdue it early like 'The I'm Here to Gamble Guy' that's one thing, but to come to Vegas without cash to blow is a bad move. Whatever you think the weekend may cost, double that. And if you're on a budget, don't gamble so much and spend your money on drinks for the groom. It's only right.
The 'I Didn't Bring Dress Shoes or a Nice Shirt' Guy
Listen, I don't like it any more than you do, but this town has a dress code. If it was socially acceptable I'd drape myself in velvet George Costanza style. You need to look the part in Vegas if you want to go where the ladies are. And you want to go where the ladies are. So leave the sweatpants at home, bring your Sunday's best and pretend, if only for one night, that you're a classy guy.
The 'I Have an Itinerary/ Let's See a Show' Guy
Sure, there's lots to do in Vegas and from what I hear the Cirque shows are amazing, Carrot Top isn't as horrible as he sounds, and the Osmonds...do...stuff. But now, during a bachelor party, is not the time for such things. This is a weekend of semi-controlled debauchery. We have no time to check out the Bellagio fountains or take a picture in front of the 'Welcome to Vegas' sign. There's so much trouble to get into and so little time.
Now you've got your crew. In part two we'll talk about some do's and don'ts for partying in Vegas.